in the morning, we had a fight. then we made up. yet my lover texts me in the evening that he needs to be alone tonight.
before this message, i prepared tortillas and bought wine for us, planning a soothing evening together when we make the fight go away - just kisses and love and all that comfort with which we say "sorry, i didn't mean it". maybe with a party included. i even washed my hair after a week+.
the message surprised me, yet i got it. maybe i had to be alone (again) too. i often forget how it is to be just on my own - you know, the single life. for more than a year i plan all my days with the thought there are two(three) of us. i try to fit our "together time" in as much as possible. in all that, i forgot that there is just me. i've always have been. i want to be able to get used to be JUST ME again. not US. because it's not OUR life, its MINE. yes, we live together and we have a dog, but my mindset is so much different. in this mindset, i is just a puzzle to him. i got caught up in this too easily. i want to be able to be independent and be by myself as i was before i was in a relationship. i feel too addicted to him more than it's healthy.
it's love, one would say. and yes, i do love him and our living together more than anything, but that just cannot be my whole life. i want to concentrate on my own desires, aspirations and goals. i have to function as a single unit. again. i was frightened in a bar a few minutes ago that there is nobody that can walk me home when i am too drunk. then i realised - he didn't do so for more than a year, anyway. even if i drank more than a bottle of wine, i still had to get myself in bed, no matter how far it was. i want this care, yet i know i don't need it. i don't want to need it. but it's so damn soothing to know you can rely on someone. even though now i realise i couldn't count on him for months.
he has always had his own head.